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Post by REN on Jul 6, 2014 7:24:11 GMT
I'm going a bit inactive
none of my muses are cooperating well enough to post and muse just isn't really there. I think i'm slipping back into depression. You guys may not hear from me very often but i'm still around.
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Post by REN on Jul 26, 2014 2:14:19 GMT
I can't. I'm not leaving the site-- but, I just can't do this anymore. And 'this' being school and various other things. The expectations this year are too high for me, considering the punishment if I can't met them or dare slip up just a little bit. The violence that I know will happen, and everything else is already too stressing, the anxiety won't make it any better when it starts. I'm probably going to just quit going at some point this school year, i'll probably drop out when i'm legally of age. I'll probably start working instead, when I can get a job or i'm legally of age (sixteen, but fifteen with some places).
I'm still struggling with depression, I slip into it and I can pull myself out with the help of my friends but slipping into it has become far more common than i'd like. My anxieties are getting worse, and so are my phobias (I ended up clinging to the same person in bed with me yesterday when almost all the lights went out). On top of whatever other messes I have to deal with, my paranoia and insomnia has taken over completely at night. I can't sleep until the sun comes up or i'm with another human being in the room at it is at least four in the morning. Iv'e been eating less, and less. And when I do eat a meal, I usually have to exercise afterwards because I feel sick with a bad stomachache.
I feel like my family is turning against me, which I wouldn't complain about since I don't like all but two members (that I like and actually treat me decently without forcing their beliefs on me, and that i'd actually feel comfortable about coming out as trans around), but they are my only actual support system right now. Considering i'm pretty broke, and even if it sounds bad, I need them for food, shelter, and some money (allowance).
My dog is getting older, I think she may end up dying soon. I don't want her to. My other dog is getting too aggressive and we may have to put her down or give her up, giving her up would just hurt everyone.
All my willpower to drag myself through three more years of family matters and school is wearing down, and i'm slowly giving up. I just can't anymore. If I make it through three more years of school and i'm able to get out of the house and away from family, without dropping out, and managing to keep everything together, i'll be surprised.
With all this stress, i'm museless. I also have a new anime obsession, which is distracting me from the site and other things.
This is an update, and even if i'm not leaving, i'm sorry for dropping this all here.
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Post by REN on Aug 10, 2014 0:59:35 GMT
So another update.
School is starting in two days. Two days. It is really stressful since I don't like going back,my school is a bit scaring. Between all this mess, my mother is trying to get custody of me and where we stay (I go there on the weekends)- the internet isn't always stable. It goes in and out.
And what will happen once she gets custody of me?
She'll be pulling me out of public schooling, i'll be in homeschooling for a little bit apparently before getting transferred to online school- once we get the money and the other PC (my mother wants to get a desktop computer for all my schooling and so she can monitor what work I get done). Once she gets a car, we'll be moving almost an hour away, up to two hours away. Once she is off of parole, we might go out of state.
Lots and lots of things.
Plus, on top of stress from school and this bit of mess with the custody issue, i'm museless and I think the injury on my foot is infected. Which, i'll have to get it taken care of.
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Post by REN on Sept 5, 2014 5:23:21 GMT
This is the third or fourth update, i'm not even sure anymore.
School is exhausting me and overworking me, it isn't like freshman year at all. On average, I have three text books to carry every other day, a trapper keeper, and a bookbag. It's killing my shoulders, and my body is usually sore by the time I get home. If it isn't, the exercise I do (two hours, every single day, iv'e been doing this since March) usually does the finally nudge to keep me down for the rest of the day- and wear me out. I'm completely and utterly exhausted by the weekend, but I don't get free time or much time to sleep.
I have a small little pile of work I have to catch up on, considering I got the start of the flu August 21 - August 22 and I was out of school that entire week except that Thursday in which I was so miserable all I could do was drag myself around and sleep. If that wasn't enough, I got strep throat the twenty ninth which was over in a few days- had to go to school anyways. I'm still recovering from all this.
Yeah, i'm usually on the computer- I have a couple different tabs open, but its mainly to play a game to help me relax or talk to my friends. Some of them, I do roleplay with (it honestly doesn't get over fifty words, everything compiled has made me museless and I don't think i'm currently able to get to the post limit).
On top of my allergy to carrots, dogs, and Tylonal, I found out i'm also allergic to coffee, and gelatin while I have been on absence.
Overall, i'm going to be brutally honest. Unless my muse comes back or this work load eases up on me, i'm probably not going to be doing any roleplaying posts. The only times I can guarantee that I can try to post something are any periods of time where I can relax.
I do get off school a couple days a month due to something or another, but i'm usually catching up on sleep and work when I do get those days off, so that is ruled out.
Family holidays make me anxious since my relatives are just, lets not even get into that.
So, that rules out Thanksgiving. I might have a little time to actually write something down then, but i'm not making any promises.
That brings up the next holiday which I can guarantee I can post by Christmas Break at the latest. I will force myself if I have to.
I may update along the way, or I may just disappear and update during that time when I do try to get some posts in. So, that wraps things up and i'm going to go get some sleep.
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